Welcome to My Corner of the Web

This digital space chronicles my personal evolution, a tapestry woven from threads of exploration, insight, and eclectic interests.

The journey from suffering to awakening rarely follows a straight line—these paths intertwine in unpredictable ways. After decades navigating chronic illness alongside spiritual exploration, I’ve discovered they aren’t separate journeys but different facets of the same unfolding.

Who I Am

I’m a long-time spiritual seeker, now a finder, as Jeffery Martin would put it. I’ve spent years exploring the nature of mind, body, and reality. My path has led me through diverse landscapes of experience—from the depths of chronic illness to awakening shifts and realizations.

My personal journey has been shaped by both challenges and breakthroughs that have deepened my understanding of human consciousness and spiritual awakening. I’m still a beginner on the path, not here to teach—having an outlet for creative expression propels me forward on the path, and this blog is part of that.

An interesting insight into my nature: while I’ve sought answers and comfort in traditional systems and paths, I’m repeatedly called to question and challenge dogmas and old ways. Eventually, I began to trust this inner drive to burn the rotten wood and allow new understanding to grow from its ashes.

The Hanged Man

I began suffering from severe anxiety in my childhood. By age 20, it had evolved into debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) with a laundry list of symptoms, and rheumatoid arthritis. During my early teens, I had already developed an interest in Chinese internal arts and meditative practices. At 16, I experienced a heart opening which immersed me in a state of flow, beaming with unconditional love for an entire month. When that ended, it felt like I had been plucked from heaven and cast back into what was now clearly hell. I had no idea what had just happened, but I wanted nothing more than to return there.

This sparked a desperate seeking that would lead me through countless paths over the coming decades: from depression and angst, through NLP, the occult, Tarot, Tai Chi, Theravada Buddhism with its meditation practices, psychedelics, Christian mysticism and prayer, various Indian traditions, Human Design, trauma & shadow work—and that’s merely scratching the surface. My seeking was amplified by my desire to heal from physical pain and fatigue that accompanied me for nearly two decades. Throughout these years, I experienced many glimpses and temporary shifts, but none lasted more than a few days to a month. In hindsight, that profound shift at 16 had cast me into an equally profound dark night that would persist for more than 20 years. If I recall correctly, I was in my late teens when the typical “kundalini” experience was triggered. I might have been in my early 20s; it’s hard to remember whether it happened before my chronic condition arose, possibly causing it, or after.

Glossing over nearly two decades of practices and heightened experiences, after the pandemic, the seeking seemed to take on a life of its own. It seized me and moved me in all sorts of new ways—using both my Tai Chi practice and different forms of self-inquiry as a basis for the exploration, it began triggering all sorts of energetic shifts. These ranged from the blissful, through the interesting and into the outright terrifying, until one day during a simple walk, I woke up out of the conceptual “I” dream. It felt like my mind had forever been boxed between invisible walls that suddenly disappeared. For several weeks, I felt like I had finally made it—so awake, free, enlightened. This was the famous honeymoon period, which typically follows the “first awakening” (what Zen practitioners call Kensho).

In spite of all the practices and research I had done, it turned out I had no real framework for what I was going through, and I certainly did not expect what happened next–the dark night came back with a vengeance, this time exacerbating the arthritis and CFS in the extreme. It kept getting worse for months until the fall of 2024, when I became unable to walk. All my childhood trauma and stagnant energy had been pushed to the surface—too much of it too suddenly, causing a shock, a kind of energetic indigestion; I had gulped down too much and could not process it. This manifested in an intensification of my condition.

By December, I finally began to slowly “digest” the stagnant and pathogenic energy from my system—leading to a profound realization about the nature of my CFS. All chronic fatigue symptoms vanished in one moment (though not yet the arthritis). This breakthrough wasn’t just physical—it represented a shift in consciousness that now informs my approach to all aspects of life and spiritual practice. I felt called to write those insights down in the form of a practical guide to CFS recovery, which turned out to cover other related conditions. At the time of this writing, the CFS guide’s final draft is still being edited and will be made available soon on this site, with the sincere hope that it may save others from having to endure the condition for as many decades as I had to.

What You’ll Find Here

This website will be home to various expressions of my work and interests, and might come to include:

• Insights on healing and transformation – Beginning with my upcoming chronic fatigue syndrome recovery guide
• Explorations of spiritual awakening – Reflections on consciousness, presence, and the nature of reality drawn from both traditional wisdom and direct experience
• Tai Chi and meditative practices – Perspectives on embodied awareness, the interplay of yin and yang, and the cultivation of presence through movement and stillness
• Personal reflections – Thoughts on the everyday miracles and challenges of living an awakening life
• Perspectives on diverse teachings and interests – Thoughts on the various modalities, systems, technologies, and ideas that have influenced or intrigued me—as well as critical takes on approaches I find problematic

I create this space not as someone who has all the answers, but as a fellow traveler who has mapped some challenging terrain. This site will continue to evolve as I do—a living document of discoveries and insights. My hope is that sharing these experiences might illuminate some aspect of your own journey, whether you’re navigating health challenges or exploring awakened consciousness. The CFS Recovery Guide marks just the beginning of this offering. Feel free to reach out and connect as we walk these parallel paths.

Alexander